What It Is, Why It Happens, and How We Can Help
Separation anxiety is one of the most common and completely normal developmental milestones young children experience. Whether you’re a parent navigating tearful goodbyes or a teacher soothing a crying toddler at morning drop-off, it can be helpful to understand why separation anxiety happens and what you can do to support children through it. At Schoolhouse Learning Center, we walk families through this stage every year, and the good news is: separation anxiety is healthy, temporary, and manageable with the right tools.
What Ages Separation Anxiety Typically Appears
Separation anxiety can appear at multiple stages of early childhood, but it commonly follows predictable developmental patterns:
Around 6–9 Months: This is when babies begin to understand object permanence and the idea that people and things still exist even when not seen. Ironically, this new understanding also brings fear: “If Mom is gone, what if she doesn’t come back?”
Around 12–18 Months: Toddlers become more aware of their surroundings and more strongly attached to their caregivers. Their mobility increases, but so does their awareness of danger and vulnerability.
Around 2–3 Years: This age often surprises parents. Children who transitioned smoothly as infants may suddenly resist drop-off again. This is because toddlers are gaining independence and experiencing big emotions at the same time. They understand more but still cannot regulate their nervous system on their own.
Around 4–5 Years: Most children become more socially confident, but new schools, new teachers, or big life changes (moves, new siblings, family stress) can trigger regression. According to Zero to Three, separation anxiety is a normal developmental stage that shows a child is forming healthy attachments not unhealthy ones.
The Psychology Behind Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety stems from two major developmental processes:
- Attachment Development- Children form deep emotional bonds with their primary caregivers. This attachment is the foundation of their emotional security. When separated, the stress response activates because their “safe person” is gone. The American Academy of Pediatrics explains that young children rely on caregivers to help them regulate their emotions. This is called co-regulation. When a child is left at daycare, the separation temporarily removes that main source of regulation.
- Brain and Nervous System Maturity- The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain responsible for self-regulation, logic, and emotional control is still extremely underdeveloped in babies, toddlers, and preschoolers. When the stress of separation hits, children rely heavily on adults to help them calm down. Their reactions are not manipulative. They are physiological.
- Predictability and Sense of Safety- Routines help children understand the world. When something changes like a caregiver leaving children may feel unsure, and the brain interprets uncertainty as stress. Understanding this helps caregivers respond with empathy, not frustration.
How Teachers and Daycare Providers Can Help
- Create a predictable drop-off routine- Consistency helps children understand what to expect. Teachers can greet each child with the same phrase, warm smile, or routine activity each morning.
- Offer a special connection ritual- A wave through the window, a “hug and a high-five,” or a goodbye song can give children a grounding ritual that signals safety.
- Use visual schedules- Pictures showing what the day will look like help reduce anxiety. Children feel calmer when they know what comes next.
- Validate feelings- Telling a child, “You miss Mommy. She always comes back,” helps them feel seen and supported.
- Provide a comfort object- A family photo, stuffed animal, or special bracelet can help children feel connected even when apart.
- Stay calm, confident, and patient- Children look to adults for emotional cues. A calm teacher communicates, “You are safe here.”
- Encourage gradual transition for new families- Short visits, parent walk-throughs, or phase-in days help build familiarity with the environment.
What Parents Can Do to Support Their Child
- Keep goodbyes short- A quick, confident goodbye works better than a long, emotional one. Lingering increases anxiety.
- Use a consistent goodbye phrase- Something simple like “I’ll be back after snack time” helps build predictable expectations.
- Talk positively about school- Avoid saying “Don’t cry!” Instead try, “You’ll have fun with your friends and I will come back.”
- Prepare your child before drop-off- Talk about the plan: “First we will drive to school, then you will play, then Mommy will come back.”
- Send a comfort item- Something familiar can ease the transition.
- Maintain routines at home- Good sleep, regular meals, and predictable schedules help children regulate more easily.
- Trust the process- Children often settle minutes after parents leave. Allow teachers to do what they do best.
When Separation Anxiety Becomes More Serious
Most separation anxiety improves steadily. But if your child shows extreme fear, prolonged distress, or becomes overly dependent, talk with your pediatrician. The Child Mind Institute offers helpful information on when to seek additional support: You’re Not Alone for Schoolhouse Learning Center Is Here to Help.
Separation anxiety can feel emotional for both parents and children, but it is a sign of healthy attachment and normal development. With patience, consistency, and support, children grow more confident and independent. At Schoolhouse Learning Center, our teachers partner with families every step of the way to make transitions smoother, calmer, and more reassuring. Remember your child isn’t “misbehaving.” They’re learning. And these early years of connection, trust, and support create the foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.